A breakup is a startling, painful change in your life that can leave you feeling blind-sided, lost, and depressed. When feeling that way it’s normal for us to try to do anything we can to get things back to the way they used to be, which is why so many people plead for their exes to reconsider. But friend, begging your ex to come back to you is not going to work – in fact, it will only make things worse. Today I want to help you understand the normal stages of grief, what happens when you beg, why that means you should never beg your ex to come back, and some things you can focus on instead to help you find happiness again.
The 5 Stages of Grief
The end of a relationship is a sad time, and like any other period of sadness in your life, you’re likely to experience at least some stages of grief. This 5-stage model of grief was originally theorized by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and can be applied to any form of loss. The stages are:
- Denial – in this stage, people refuse to accept the new reality, clinging to the idea that there is some mistake.
- Anger – people in this stage experience feelings of frustration and often project that onto others close to them.
- Bargaining – people in this stage hope to avoid the cause of grief by trying to control or affect the outcome with some sort of negotiation or compromise.
- Depression – this stage comes with feelings of sadness, shame, regret, failure, and sometimes guilt about the cause of the grief.
- Acceptance – this is the final stage, where the person accepts the new reality and what it means for their life.
Your grief is personal and unique to you, so you might not experience all of these stages, or they may not be in the same order. But if you’re thinking about calling your ex to beg them to give you another chance (or you already have), then you’ve entered the stage of bargaining.
When begging their ex to come back, people often say things like “If you come back to me, I will change.” They offer to do better, to stop doing things their ex didn’t like, to start doing more to be more appealing and attractive to them. They’re trying to change the breakup and hold on to what they’ve lost by changing something about themselves.
But begging your ex to come back to you will never result in something positive, even if your ex does eventually come back. Instead, there will be several negative effects that will arise as a result of the begging.
Negative Effects of Begging Your Ex to Come Back
Let’s start by thinking from your ex’s point of view for a moment. They have decided to end the relationship for whatever reason, and now they’re receiving a bunch of messages from you proclaiming your love and offering to change, pleading for them to reconsider. Do you think their first reaction is going to be positive? One of love and relief that you want them to come back?
More likely, your ex will feel annoyance, guilt, or suffocation. Whatever the reason for the breakup, they are clearly stating that they want space away from you, but by begging them to come back you are making yourself a constant unwanted presence in their life. This might cause them to act out of impulse and push your farther away, or it could lead to resentment.
But worse than your ex’s reaction, if you beg your ex to come back it will affect you personally as well.
How Begging for Your Ex Affects You
When you beg for your ex to come back, you begin to lose a part of yourself. You are lowering your self-worth and your value, and you are showing that what you want doesn’t matter as much as what the other person wants. Though you may not recognize it, you’re putting yourself below them, and subconsciously this will affect your view of yourself and lower your self-esteem. You’re showing that you are willing to lower your standards and change your behaviors – change who you are – just to keep your relationship.
But friend, if it is coming to that point, your relationship is already broken. Begging for your ex to come back will not change that. All it will do is delay your healing by keeping you in a state of false hope and constant rejection.
Even if your ex comes back to you because you begged them to (which is very unlikely), one of you will be settling. One of you will be changing your behaviors and lowering your standards to fit what the other wants, and this is going to lead to resentment in the relationship.
Do You Really Want To Be With the Wrong Person?
One of the things I talk about in my Breakup Bootcamp is allowing yourself to find the right person for you. You don’t have to settle for a broken relationship with the wrong person just because you’re afraid to be alone.
Imagine being with the wrong person for 50 years. Though your relationship will have endured and you will have been together for a while, how miserable would you be after 50 years of settling, of lowering your self-worth, or of changing yourself to fit that person’s desires?
Now imagine being with the right person for 5 years. Although it is only 5 years, can you imagine how blissfully happy you would be with the right person? The person who lifts you up instead of bringing you down? The person who doesn’t require you to lower your standards or change yourself to please them?
Wait for that person.
Instead of Begging, Focus on Yourself
Focusing on yourself and what you need is the only real way to get through a breakup. Don’t beg your ex to come back, but instead allow yourself to go through all the stages of grief. And once you’ve done that, allow yourself to feel better and move on. It isn’t easy, and it takes time, but working on your personal growth will help you become the best version of yourself for when you do meet the right person.
And one way to do that is to spend time with the people who are still in your life. Turn to your family and friends, the people who love you and give you attention without you having to beg for it. Turn to the people who uplift you and help you understand how much you deserve from life.
And that way, when you finally do meet the right person, you’ll be ready for them.